28 May 2009

Arachnis Uvas Mortis

I'm happily plucking grapes one by one from the stem at lunch this afternoon, waiting for my pizza to be done. After I get the pizza from the microwave and sit back down I look at the bunch and think

hmm...that looks like a spider web. It IS a spider web - must have been a spider in the bunch when it was on the vine.

And HOLY SHIT there was, because then I noticed - hey, those look awfully black, shiny and ... clustered to be dead grape stemsHOLYSHITASPIDERISINMYGRAPES.
This is like Superman saying "yeah, kryptonite", or Data telling everyone where his off switch is, but man I HATE surprise spiders. If Charlotte wants to spin her web that's fine by me, because mosquitoes and flies suck more than spiders, but DAMMIT I hate being ambushed by 8 legs of terror. the spider, I assume, was dead. I didn't investigate too closely.
It was a good thing I was alone in the lunch room, else others would have learned Rob's Heebie-Jeebie-creepy-crawly-F%$%$# dance. Whats the word for the sensation of bugs crawling on your skin, formication (huh huh)? That's me - I'm even formicating a bit writing this. Ugh.
Spiders. I'm adding a new phrase to my English - grape spiders: When you're ambushed by your biggest fear while eating, and your biggest fear is in your food.
It's like God was reminding me (after I forgot breakfast and someone brought in banana nut muffins - miracle, score!) not to get too cocky. "I love you and all, but snowflakes are snowflakes, and you're people. They're all unique and fragile, but you lot are in my image, so suck it up."
That said, the Weight Watchers Smart Ones 4 cheese frozen pizzas are really tasty, I highly recommend them and I think they're on special at Weis this week for 2 / $5, or as my mother-in-law might point out - 4 for 10!
Just inspect your grapes before you eat them. I'm taking mine in liquid form for awhile.

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